Care for the Family

How very important when a family member or spouse is suffering from cancer and undergoing the treatment for this disease that they are given every support they need. It is incumbent upon husbands, for example, to be there for their wives at all times. The sheer level of emotional support they require is incalculable, and they will depend greatly on their husband to provide that support.

Just as “it is not good for man to be alone” (Gen.2:18), so also it is not good for the wife to be alone, especially when she has been traumatised by news of serious illness, or whatever the specific situation might be. Similarly, children, regardless of their ages, need the support that only father can give; and they must not be deprived of that. What dereliction of responsibility that would be if the husband and father were to neglect this parental and matrimonial duty and responsibility. 

I sometimes wonder if husbands are aware of the deep emotional and spiritual needs of their wives and families at a time of trauma. Perhaps the husband is so caught up with his own situation that he gives precious little thought to how his wife and family are feeling, or even coping with the situation. Yet he can spend more time with others whose needs are not ass great. This is a Christian duty that has great potential for spiritual benefits for all concerned.

I heard of a Christian husband whose wife has cancer, and is not handling it very well, going off on his sporting activities when he would have been better to have stayed with her. I know that when the time is right, carers need a break from their responsibilities and to re-charge their emotional and spiritual batteries again. But in the early days of cancer or whatever caused the trauma, is essentially a traumatic situation, and his place is with his wife and family.

When a husband undertakes at his marriage to “love his wife” and to do so “in sickness and in health,” (that is, in good times and in bad) when she suffers (from cancer), it is his privilege as well as his duty to fulfil this vow in the most practical of ways. To demonstrate his love for her at such a time is a great witness to the love of Christ for His church (Eph.5:25). For her to be abandoned in such circumstances is nothing short of criminal. She needs him, and he must be there for her and for the children.

I remember reading about what Prof. E. M. Blaiklock did in order to make up for the time he hadn’t spent with his son who had become most wayward in his living; he took many months off just to spend quality time with him. He placed his parental responsibilities before even his academic career. 

When trauma strikes, it hits the whole family; no one escapes, regardless of who is the primary sufferer. Trauma can be a lonely and isolating experience. But God has set the solitary in families (Ps.68:6), for it is not good that men or women or children should be alone.

Cherish your family; value who and what they are; appreciate them because they hurt, too. And they also need your nearness. 

God Answers Prayer

How encouraging it is to know that our prayers are not ineffective, though we might not always realise this. Parents pray earnestly for the conversion of their children, and God answers their prayers, one now and one at another time. But He is faithful, and will keep His covenant promises made to parents concerning the salvation of their children.

Sometimes we can despair that our offspring, whatever their age, do not place themselves under the means of grace; for example, they refuse to attend church and they dislike the preaching of the Gospel. But do not despair. For our great almighty Redeemer God, these are not essential, though very desirable. “God is spirit” (Jn.4:24), remember. That means that He is invisible so He can creep up on unsuspecting sinners and reduce them to tearful repentance, bringing them to saving faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. 

So do not despair. God is sovereign, and we must always hold out the certainty that he will act to bring our children to saving faith in Christ in His time and in His way. We can tend to get all caught up about formal religion, but to no good purpose. Let God be God, and He will yet surprise us.

This is our conviction. Having one son unsaved is a grave burden to both of us. We long, as you do, for the salvation of all your family members, and whilst they are commanded in Scripture to repent and believe the Gospel, their current rebellion does not rule God out of the picture. We were all rebellious sinners once, but that did not prevent the gracious Lord dealing with us in mercy. And when you consider the end of those who die without Christ, the thought is utterly distressing. Hence, believing prayer to the Lord Who can break into such situations is our great hope and consolation. All Christian parents hope and trust that their children will all be in the Kingdom of God before they leave this scene of time.

So pray on for the salvation of your own families. Plead with the Lord to save them, bringing all the arguments you can think about in your prayer. Remember as you pray that Christ loves them with an everlasting love, and died for them. He has purchased redemption for them and all they have to do to make it their own is to humbly receive it. There is nothing more for them to do, and what we are to do is to bring them before the Lord in prayer continually. And He hears and answers prayer. And when the urge to pray comes, stop everything (if possible) and pray because this is the leading of the Holy Spirit. 

Let me encourage you. God has answered your prayers for Margaret and me in the most tangible of ways; in fact, the evidence is there to see. If God answers your prayers for Margaret, then be confident that He will answer your prayers for your children and other loved-ones. So, as C. H. Spurgeon once said, “Pray, and let God do the worrying.”

Wanted! Godly Sensitivity.

How much spiritual and emotional damage can be done by those who do not have pastoral hearts, whether ministers or not! When believers are undergoing the afflictions of this life, they need great tenderness from God’s professing people. Pious platitudes are worse than useless, even though they are true. Inexperience in pastoral matters can do great damage to souls. I am reminded of what Jesus said of Himself quoting Isa.42 that “a bruised reed He will not break, And smoking flax He will not quench” (Mt.12:20). Gentleness is needed when dealing with broken people.

Not all those who are called “pastor” are pastors at heart. They seem, rather, to use the pastoral office for self-promotion and self-gratification. Such ‘pastors’ become aloof from their people and when called in for help, are way out of their depth when it comes to providing it. Their approach is to squeeze this disruptive pastoral visit in as well as possible to fit their busy schedule because they have far more important matters to see to than caring for members who are in spiritual difficulties.

Sadly, the ministerial office is ready-made for self-gratification, etc.

But there are genuine pastors in churches and there are Christians who have a genuine pastoral heart, and they are gems. Thank God for them all, and pray for them.

But in the cancer scenario, ministers must exercise great care when it comes to implementing the American idea of testimony-giving in church services. This can also demonstrate the insensitivity of ministers in their zeal to promote the Gospel. These men seems to have a panel of testimony-givers they can call upon to tell their stories, and often no thought is given to those sitting in the congregation who are being torn to bits because of what they are going through in their own families. This is reckless, and ought not to be practised. Christians feel the need to get up and leave such services, and others made a conscious decision to turn off when such people were speaking.

All the end of the day, in cancer cases, and in testimonies, no two cases are exactly the same. Just because one Christian has experienced certain situations does not mean in the least that you will find the same. Testimonies are highly individual and subjective things, and as such can do extreme damage to tender hearts that might be present and listening. Also, many testimonies are more like life-stories rather than up-to-date witness statements about what the Lord has done and is doing in a person’s life.

Great care must be taken in church situations when dealing with broken hearts, and everything must be avoided that will further traumatise those who are seeking spiritual help.

Quenching the Spirit.

When you have experienced much of God’s goodness in the valley experiences of life, the big thing is that you do not want to do anything that would “quench the Spirit” (1 Thes.5:19) and drive Him away from us. We have enjoyed so much of God these past nine months in particular that we cannot bear to think that through our carelessness He would leave us. That is the burden of Margaret’s prayer in recent days. She knows just how easy it is to grow cold when the back is no longer up against the proverbial wall, and how easy it is to let spiritual disciplines slip back into ‘normal’ mode.

Thankfully we are aware of this possibility, and being fore-warned is to be fore-armed. Even in this matter, God has been very good to us. Her godly mother, now with Christ, used to warn about the “grey hairs” (Hos.7:9) appearing and “the little foxes” that come in to raid the crop, and all without us knowing it (Song of Solomon 2:15).

How subtle is Satan and how crafty his working. We remember, of course, that God is sovereign in his dealing with His children, and that in His approaches to them, He draws near when they need Him, and then, for His own reasons, withdraws a bit, and all without them having done anything. I am reminded of Rev David Morgan, one of the preachers in eighteenth and nineteenth century Wales, and who was a very ordinary preacher. He tells of how he went to bed one night as David Morgan and rose the next day like a lion, and had a spectacular preaching ministry for about two years. Then he went to bed as a lion one night and woke up as David Morgan, and resumed a most unspectacular ministry for the rest of his life. This demonstrates the sovereignty of the Spirit in these matters.

That said, it is very possible for us, as believers, to “quench the Spirit” in one way or another, which very thing, by God’s grace, we do not want to do. These times have been too precious and special for us to do that, at least, knowingly. We all need to be very careful about letting those little sins slip in and we find ourselves starting to walk at a distance from Christ, losing the desire for His presence, having a poor appetite for the Bible and prayer, and turning away from God-given opportunities for witness to others, whether Christian of not.

Being aware of this possibility can prove a great defence against it happening.

Why Churches Persecute Gospel Ministers.

Recovering from something as traumatic as cancer and its very demanding treatment is a challenge, and patients need as much support as they can get.  Family is always a source of support and comfort, as are friends who call and help with food, etc. 

Yet, it is noteworthy just how little it takes to upset the equilibrium that has been enjoyed.  Satan is always looking for an opportunity to attack, and sadly there is no lack of springboards from which to launch such attacks.

What some people will not believe or accept is how many times the “Christian” church is at the forefront of attacking Gospel ministers.  “Oh, the church would never do that,” they say in defense of their own denomination.  “The minister must have done something very wrong for our church to remove him.” 

Well, on that point they are quite correct.  The great wrong that these men did was this: they preached the Gospel with power and passion in congregations that simply did not want it preached, which very thing the churches do not want.  And they have applied Gospel principles to and within their congregations, another unwanted church commodity.

Today’s liberal and anti-Gospel churches are still removing Gospel-preaching ministers from their charges, while they leave the ‘good churchmen’ to get on with their lives, not to mention their ministries.  What are ‘good churchmen’?  ‘Good churchmen’ are those who never disturb the consciences of their hearers, never question their professions of faith, never expect their faith to be seen in everyday life, never ask uncomfortable questions of the church, and never question the spirituality of the church.  They just turn a blind eye to religious formalism and outward respectability, and as long as the church is functioning “as it was in the beginning, is now, and evermore shall be,” all is well. 

But once God’s transforming Gospel arrives in such churches, it is as if all hell is let loose – against the minister and those who support the minister because he preaches the everlasting Gospel.  As Dr John Stott calls it, the Gospel is Christian Counter Culture.  It challenges everything, particularly those whose religious and eternal well-being is dependent solely on a mere profession of faith.  Such people imagine they are genuine Christians and are regarded as such, why?  Because the church’s eldership accepted them as Christians, so they must be Christians.  And woe betide anyone, minister or otherwise, who raises any questions as to their spiritual standing. 

The other side of the argument is that those whose eternal well-being is dependent upon Christ alone and their relationship with Him, love the Gospel, want to hear it preached faithfully and passionately, and will bring other hungry believers to where this message is proclaimed.

And remember this; the persecution of Christian ministers does not only happen in far away lands like India, Pakistan, China, etc.  It is happening right in front of our eyes.  

And do you know what makes this particularly heart-breaking?  God’s people in these churches stand back and refuse to challenge such treatment of the servants of Christ, thus implicating themselves in what their leaders have done to Gospel men.  It shows just how little they care for the Gospel after all.  Why do they do this?  Because their ecclesiology is essentially Roman Catholic, and by that I mean that whatever the church does is right, infallibly right. 

Thank God for those ministers who, out of love for their people and for Christ and His Gospel, are prepared to challenge a religion of mere words.  Formal religion is useless when faced with death, and we have discovered the reality of a living faith in such a situation.

How true are the words of C. H. Spurgeon that that man is surely lacking in grace who is not concerned about the spiritual well-being of the Church.  True Gospel ministers will give their all for the good of the church for they know that then only foundation the church has is the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Rip away that foundation and not only will the collapse of the church be certain but whatever calls itself church had forfeited any right to that noble name.

Two ministers have already been put out of their charges by their respective denominations, one has been forced to resign to take effect in about five weeks time, and another is on sick leave because of “work-related stress;” he joins some 35 other ministers from one denomination who are off on similar grounds.  Congregations are divided right down the middle, and in most cases, this is over the Gospel, a most unwelcome commodity in many churches today. 

This happened to me twenty years ago, and it is still happening to Gospel ministers today.  And when your wife is suffering from cancer and hears about the re-enactment of such evils by churches, it does nothing to help her in her recovery.  It brings back bad thoughts of what was done to us by the church.  You don’t need me to tell you what kind of churches they are that throw out Gospel preaching ministers, do you?  If these churches loved Christ and the Gospel, and if they even loved the church of Jesus Christ, they would treasure the servants of Christ, not toss them aside as you would an empty packet.  Because these are Christ’s chosen vessels for the propagation of the Gospel, those churches and ministers will have to answer to God for the evil they have inflicted on God’s men.

Now this kind of situation needles both my wife and me.  It causes anger to arise within us, and takes us back to the days when we were going through such church-inspired persecution.  In fact, it re-traumatises us.

Born Again Nosey Parkers.

We have discovered that there are Christian people who imagine that they have the gift of encouragement, and many do, and who believe that encouragement is given by throwing out pious platitudes by the score, and telling cancer sufferers and their families that everything will be fine, there’s no problem, “look at me how well I got over it,” etc.

How cruel this can be to those with cancer and whose minds and emotions are in deep turmoil. They mean well, but do not have the Christian grace or sensitivity for this type of ‘pastoral counselling.’ The lack of spiritual experience always shows itself when such people open their mouths. It’s like expecting a joiner to carry out brain surgery.

My advice? Stay away from such people, and don’t discuss anything personal with them, for as sure as anything, they will open their mouth and put their two big feet right into it. They just do not know how to handle such sensitive and deeply personal situations. No wonder a Christian woman who has just learned of cancer in her family had to walk out of church because all that the other worshippers wanted when they asked about the situation was news, and showed no genuine care.

I suggested to the young woman’s father that perhaps she needed pastoral support from her minister – this is a Christian family. On a future visit to our home, I asked him how the visit from her minister went, and he said, the minister was a nice man but he didn’t stop talking.

In my book, that is not what a pastor does; his primary role is to listen and the patient needs to be heard. In fact, the patient is crying out to be heard, for someone to listen to them empathetically, to give them the opportunity in a safe and caring environment to express the deep emotions that are dominating their minds and hearts. Such a minister is not a pastor, whatever else he might think himself to be. After listening to the patient, he can then sum up the situation in his own mind, and offer sensitive biblical counsel and intelligent and relevant prayer. But if he does not stop talking, he will not be able to hear what is going on in the patient’s life, so be unable to offer any real pastoral help.

But how wonderful it is when you find someone who can engage with cancer suffers and their families in a most sensitive and gracious and humble way. Such people are real gems, and can add considerable understanding to the situation and provide the support those people need. They are certainly not know-alls, for they know their limitations only too well. But they have Christian grace and experienced-based knowledge which is invaluable.

People in difficulties will know who to turn to in time of need. There will be someone they know well, a Christian, to whom they can turn for support at a very trying time in their lives. It is important for sufferers to avail of whatever help is available, and to see this as God’s provision for them at this time. Thank God for them.

Tenderness and the Traumatised

How much spiritual and emotional damage can be done by those who do not have pastoral hearts, whether ministers or not! When believers are undergoing the afflictions of this life, they need great tenderness from God’s professing people. Pious platitudes are worse than useless, even though they are true. Inexperience in pastoral matters can do great damage to souls. I am reminded of what Jesus said of Himself quoting Isa.42 that “a bruised reed He will not break, And smoking flax He will not quench” (Mt.12:20). Gentleness is needed when dealing with broken people.

Not all those who are called “pastor” are pastors at heart. They seem, rather, to use the pastoral office for self-promotion and self-gratification. Such ‘pastors’ become aloof from their people and when called in for help, are way out of their depth when it comes to providing it. Their approach is to squeeze this disruptive pastoral visit in as well as possible to fit their busy schedule because they have far more important matters to see to than caring for members who are in spiritual difficulties.

Sadly, the ministerial office is ready made for self-gratification, etc.

But there are genuine pastors in churches and there are Christians who have a genuine pastoral heart, and they are gems. Thank God for them all, and pray for them.

But in the cancer scenario, ministers must exercise great care when it comes to implementing the American idea of testimony-giving in church services. This can also demonstrate the insensitivity of ministers in their zeal to promote the Gospel. These men seems to have a panel of testimony-givers they can call upon to tell their stories, and often no thought is given to those sitting in the congregation who are being torn to bits because of what they are going through in their own families. This is reckless, and ought not to be practiced  Christians feel the need to get up and leave such services, and others made a conscious decision to turn off when such people were speaking.

All the end of the day, in cancer cases, and in testimonies, no two cases are exactly the same. Just because one Christian has experienced certain situations does not mean in the least that you will find the same. Testimonies are highly individual and subjective things, and as such can do extreme damage to tender hearts that might be present and listening. Also, many testimonies are more like life-stories rather than up-to-date witness statements about what the Lord has done and is doing in a person’s life.

Great care must be taken in church situations when dealing with broken hearts, and everything must be avoided that will further traumatise those who are seeking spiritual help.